This Is My Soft Bottom Era: Part 2

Learning That The Present Is A Gift...

I have a million thoughts on any given day, and most of them center around me not doing enough…the pressure of it all can sometimes cripple me. I’m not sure how to trick my mind into understanding that there are moments for rest, reflection, and stillness. And sometimes I know, even in the reframe, that stillness, rest, and reflection are not problematic, but necessary (there are also moments where I know I’m not holding myself accountable AND I’m just being lazy, but this post isn’t about those moments dammit LOL).

The idea of doing more or that more is needed has always been a challenge to me. Nothing has ever been enough for me, even in moments of success or praise, most days. I always CRAVE more, there is this constant nagging feeling that I’m not achieving at the level at which I should be. And most days, I’m not even sure what that level is.

What I do know is that “you can do more” does keep me drained and dissatisfied most days. It’s a measure and mindset that I honestly can’t maintain any longer. Now, when I was younger, in my teens, twenties, and shit early thirties too, I would exhaust myself in pursuit of more. I have often gone very hard to fulfill a goal, and after said goal is attained, I go into burnout mode. Usually, with me concluding that it was never really about the achievement itself, but the idea of what it would prove to me, my peers, or niggas.

Most of my life, I have been trying to prove to others that I’m enough or worthy of something, whether that be an A-List client in PR or love from a man, or that I’m desirable and worthy of sexual admiration.

So it’s no wonder, this recent path and journey for me has been a little difficult. The difficulty is because for the first time in my life, I’m not doing something to prove to others that I’m worthy or enough or that bitch. This chapter in my life is fueled more so by asking myself what do I actually want?! And SURPIRSE, I don’t have a fucking clue what that is fully yet, but I am sure that this journey is for me and me only this time around.

I have felt very stagnant for a minute now, and it took me forever to understand that this is because my current chapter isn’t rooted in the belief that I’m not enough and therefore need to prove that I am. This is simply about me, and I’ve never felt this moment before. My current goals aren’t fueled by the idea that I lack something, and my brain, after 30-something years, doesn’t know how to compute that.

I’m not here to prove myself to anyone, whether professionally, personally, or romantically. I’ve come to terms that I’m enough and that there will always be things that I can improve or change, but what about now? What about this very moment, what if I die tomorrow and don’t achieve this change or goal…will my life mean nothing? The answer is fuck NO!

For a long time, my therapist would ask me, “What about this moment, not who you are becoming in the future, but this moment?“ I would be so puzzled by the question, but now it kind of makes sense. I’ve never been present; most of my thoughts have either centered around the future version of me or the past versions of me. The present has always been unsafe or dissatisfying to me. I have always needed a goal to work towards, something to accomplish.

Now, let me be clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or desiring better, but what happens when “improvement” consumes you? When does the idea of becoming a better version of yourself or excelling in a task become a nightmare of your own making? What happens when you finally do the tedious work and realize that you are greatness personified in the present. You have beaten all of the obstacles and created everything you have dreamed of, now what? What’s next? And how do you fuel the next chapter of your life without this feeling of more or better being at the center of it?

I don’t have the answers for you, Sway, but what I do know is that for the first time in my life. I’m ready to be present, I’m ready to say I have everything I need right now, and I don’t need anything more to achieve what I want. I have everything I need, it’s not outside of me, but within me. My very essence is abundant. My soul’s cup runneth over with pure greatness and audacity, so now the only thing that I must do is harness this energy to create in this moment.

My purpose is not a destination, but a living testimony. I am living it in this very moment of now! I am the prayer and joy of my ancestors as I am in the present! My spirit is limitless as it stands now. I simply am, and despite what I do or don’t accomplish in the future, I have built an existence and created a mark already that will be felt for years to come.

This is me, and in the words of Beyonce, I WAS HERE! I lived, I learned, I’ve done and done very well, but now it’s about doing for me solely. It’s about creating and standing in my purpose for me because, simply put, I matter. What I want matters, and so does what I need; there are no other reasons, but that currently. And guess what…that is enough. So now I’m tasked with figuring out what I want to create in the present and how to create that with this state of being and knowing.

Lastly, I’m accepting that stillness is an important part of LIVING as well because it demands you be present. I welcome you all to be present with me in this journey of NOW and the freedom as well as ease that comes from being present! May you all experience this moment even if its a little scary or confusing at times lol!

Be blessed and love you all,

Savoy Jefferosn